Sunday, May 6, 2012
Last blogged @ 5:36 AM

Dear Nurul Fakhira,


Do you know how much it hurts to know that you doubt my silence for pushing you aside and thinking that I'm happily moving on with my life forgetting and leaving you behind?The answer is NO.

How can I forget someone who has been there with me through my difficult moments for the past 4 years?The one that can be called as my sister and my perfect role model to move on with my life,the one that used to have such low esteem that now has confidence.

The reason I didn't reply your text was mainly because I'm gonna say it out everything here.

I don't expect everyone to come running to me because i perfectly know myself that I'm no good to be there for anyone because I can't even be there for myself.I don't wish to BURDEN anyone with the problems I am currently facing and you know it well,dont you?And I'm really sorry if i couldn't be there for your problems because basically,I'M A FAILURE IN EVERYTHING.
In front of your eyes,I seem to be perfectly fine and saying everything's fine which deep down its actually more than that.

I know,you expected high of me to be there for your every single problems but you must also understand that my day dosen't goes the same as yours and right now i'm already busy with my exams which is just next week and everything is just rushing for me to cope that i don't even have time for ANYONE,not even my family.

when i receive the text that you gave me that night,I was so dissapointed that you said all that when I was just hoping maybe a "how are you " text.Because we talked bout this issue before and i really thought you understand whats going on.I understand that you are the person that no one can't have what you own but this is the journey of life which you will have to go through.You must venture yourself.Remember the time that you said you took that thing with your friends?DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANNA KILL YOU ACTUALLY?You want to know the reason why im mad bout that issue?Because you promised me that you will take care of yourself and stay away from those things,also not to get influenced.


About the debar issue,

Think carefully,my dear.Why would you get debar-ed if you attend lessons regularly,not skip classes and get a second warning letter by the school.Even if you say i'm not there for you,i know every little details what going on.Don't be a follower of the wrong things,don't.Don't get into trouble for the wrong things.Yes,its okay to be friends,not more than that.I know if you are already at that level,its gonna be hard for you.I bet you still remember the vow that you wanna make your parents proud of you and gonna strive hard no matter what it takes.I bet you do.

I'm sorry,

If i ever got you worried,
that you thought the opposite wrong side of me ,
But really,
Its not my intention to let you think that i'm a temporary in your life and etc.
Just that,I need your cooperation and understanding that we are in different paths of life and not like how i used to see you everyday.
The only thing now on my mind is that i'm in the wrong path of my education which i'm gonna just fail everything so please,you better dont dissapoint me,you are precious than anything else.you know where you stand in my life,don't doubt on that.Your support and encouragement is all i need now
Love you,


This,is for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQR-gr0EGHM

Saturday, April 14, 2012
Last blogged @ 9:24 PM

Term break is over and its back to the same routine again.Only this time with the new April intake students, I really find the school really overcrowding and not to mention there were so many familiar faces.SO, i got my results for the exam and i failed OSA AND BPF!!!!!I mean,how the hell can i fail my OSA when I got A for my CPA?!Dissapointed with myself much?And the funny thing is I can pass my EFC and Customer Service module.Really gonna buck up this time!Overall school has been fun and gonna go ice skating with them soon!ok enough bout school.DID YOU KNOW THAT MY DAD IS GOING TO SEND ME TO PERGAS?! I mean,without my knowledge!Its not that i don't wanna learn about my religion,but,my knowledge about it is 0 and i forgot how to recite the quran,what in the world is he thinking about me getting a diploma in STI?Not to mention its at kembangan0.o




Everybody had been supporting and rooting for me bout the issue and no words can describe how much im very thankful to them.And I really can't bear to see another people crying for me again,I really don't want.But i'm scared that i'm about to disappoint them if they find out that i'm just pretending to be really okay when i'm not.But i guess pretending is better than to cry out my sorrows right?Just that, I'm sick and tired of waiting,assuming,hearing lies and i'll end up hurting myself again and again,and again.Its April,and i cannot be like this.Its time for me to change.I can't be always making other people happy but i'm not.
sigh.

 Till here I guess im blogging.
going out with the famzxz to celebrate uncle birthday party and i dont know what to wear!


Have a great sunday people!
xoxo

Friday, April 6, 2012
Last blogged @ 11:30 AM

I made a promise,to the ones who knew about what has been going on lately about my stressed up situation.I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.
I guess everything was just a one sided thing.All along i knew that i was just someone's substitution in their times of need and boredom.I gave in to everything,swallowed my pride for this shit and what did i get back?Negative.Yes,nobody knew how much i cried every night just thinking and thinking without having proper sleep.Its even saddening when I read my testimonial,everything they said is totally different from the person I am now.How much I change,How much it affects me is just unbelievable.
Since it is only the starting of April,I am trying to be back to my old self once again.I know i can do this.I know.Even how much disappointment that is going to happen,I will still go on with my life as usual. I believe 100% that my esteem has already went down to the maximum and NO, its not attention im asking for.How tiring is it to just pretend whereas its the opposite?You have no idea.
But for the sake of everyone else,I will be just as cheerful as I used  to be,Insyallah.
I apologise to the ones who feel dissapointed,sad and even cried that I became like this, I sincerely do.Have faith in me.

In the end,I saw who are the one that would risk it all for me.

Thank you to the people who supported me all this while throughout my tough times,The one who knew the ugly and pathetic side of me and try to bring a smile to my face ,thank you.<3<3

Happy Saturday to all.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Last blogged @ 6:47 PM

Good Morning.

Did not slept a wink last night just thinking.
Why am I always someone's substitution?
why am I always being treated like a temporary when I treat them as a priority?
why am I still giving chances when I know I'm just  being used?
 
Just so you know,I am not like others who accepts themselves for being a 'spare tyre'. But i got over my ego and just ignore thinking that i might be mistaken.But I guess now,I'm too tired to even think bout what is going to happen and how much i wanted to cry,my tears still will not come out.I can't do anything if they can't accept my flaws and imperfections because this is who I am and overall its up to them to accept it or not.I can't live my life 24/7 just pleasing people.

It's actually saddening when we don't expect these people whom we think highly of would do this.Reality is cruel but I still have to accept it somehow.I can't be sure how strong I can be to face all this challenges but the world goes around.Just like the saying,
'WHAT GOES  AROUND COMES AROUND."

May today be a productive day,Insyallah.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Last blogged @ 8:35 AM

Unexpected incident happened to me.Bumped into him two times this week.The  worst was in the train?The cold stare that you gave me was so....ERGH.Just couldn't imagine it.And i bet you can already comment negative things bout me infront of her already.why does he keep appearing on and off my life?Though there is no more feelings left for you anymore,how can i go on with my life happily if we were to always bound to 'accidentally' meet each other again?I can't.Because then,everything from the past will keep coming back to me and i will be left confused,again which i obviously wouldn't want that to happen.

Yesterday went to Cine to watch The Hunger Games and I swear it was awesome!Only the part where the damn bulldogs flash out just like that till I almost fell off my seat-..- And the sweetest part was both of them ended up kissing each other in the middle of a dangerous situation.Okay la mentel mode on.HAAAAAH.

 Actually Lazy to blog but i very boring like super duper whooper booper blooper boriiiinnggggggg Hais Nothing to doooooo :/

Anw working the whole of next week so okay lah tu hehehe but i guess i need to rush on the projects just that i still have no motivation to do so.

This is like the godamn most boring-iest post evaaaa k bye

Saturday, March 24, 2012
Last blogged @ 9:38 AM

In a state of confusion,really.Everything was a mistake made.What the hell was i thinking?why did it kept haunting back to me?EVERY SINGLE SHIT.why do things keep on getting in the way?It's just unfair for me and i don't quite know if i am strong enough to face because i am at the losing point of myself.And RIGHT at this moment of time i don't have the confidence in everything.I don't even want to believe in reality now and go through it all.All i can do now is just to hope and pray that tomorrow  is just a better day for me.

Isn't it ironic how people can be really judgmental towards a person's appearance even when they say they are not?Recalling every past that has happened,until now i still don't get if it was my fault,my mistake.And even when i'm saying all this with tears rolling,I don't show it to anyone else but myself.I don't like to make people feel a sympathy out of me because i will be the cheerful one next moment in front of everybody else because the one who is there for me to lend a shoulder without telling, are the ones who always brightens up my day.I know i need to keep moving forward because the people around me accepted me for who i am and i have to promise myself that i will be my old self soon.And at this timing i am just sitting here watching all your videos..

No,i am not being a skeptical emo bitch i just need to rant what i need to because i have swallowed all the words and its time for me to let go of it.

Sorry dayah that you are the only one that has to see me like this everytime:/

Thursday, March 22, 2012
Last blogged @ 12:18 PM

I need to grab a hold of myself.I'm not my usual self.I need to stop depending on others,stop trusting people words easily and not let myself being stepped on.Its all coming back to me and i need to realize that we all can't run away from reality but to actually face it.Its all fantasies played around by our own minds.Accept it Naurah.You can't deny the fact it is true and being forced to is not an option.You should be immune to it so why bother so much?Hasn't all this while things keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again?When am I gonna be the carefree old self laughing to almost everything and smile till my cheekbones hurts so much?All of this is not happening to me anymore.I SHOULDN'T,AND I COULDN'T,BUT I WON'T .